Dear Oprah,
How are you? I am fine. Well, all except for that little mishap at the grocery store yesterday. I suppose I shouldn't have had the second cup of coffee before I left to buy milk but who knew something as innocent as a little sneeze could cause that to happen! You would have known how to handle it - or should I say, hold it - Oprah.
And that brings me to why I'm writing you today. I need your advice. Oprah, my question is about charity. It's no secret that you give and give and give. Gosh, it's a wonder how there's anything left over for you. But unlike you Oprah our family is of more modest means. Why when they raised the price of my Botox treatments I just didn't know what I was going to do!
Anyhow, I'm having a little trouble knowing just where to direct the money I've set aside for giving when there are so very, very many charitable causes out there.
Why I learned about a new one just this morning when I was out on a stroll with the dog. There I was right in the middle of a stoop and scoop when I glanced up and saw the sign on my neighbour's lawn.
"Clutter For Cancer"
I assumed it was some sort of fund-raiser with proceeds going towards cancer research but I couldn't quite figure out where the clutter part came in.Were they asking me to collect my clutter and come to some sort of collective yard sale where I'd sell my stuff alongside fellow Clutter For Cancer volunteers? Would we all go home feeling virtuous albeit the proud owners of each others stuff? I suppose I could store it and re-sell it at next year's Clutter For Cancer event.
And then there was that time I was waiting in line at the drugstore to buy toothpaste. The line just didn't seem to be moving and when I finally got to the front I realized it was because the girl kept asking everyone if they wanted to add a dollar to their purchase, entitling them to a piece of paper cut out in the shape of a shoe.
The dollar went to support people with some disease I had never heard of. To sweeten the deal, we were invited to write our names on the shoe and stick it on the front window of the store.
Well, what choice did I have? The window was covered in shoes and I didn't want to look like the only one who didn't care about this terrible disease. I forked over the buck and wrote out my name.
But when I got home I began to wonder if maybe some clever marketing types had made it all up. Maybe it was a plot to keep us in line longer so we'd buy those ridiculously expensive impulse items they keep near the cash - you know, things like gum and lottery tickets and Oprah magazines.
You get the idea Oprah - we're asked at every turn to donate and frankly, I find it overwhelming. It doesn't help when they make it so complicated to give.
Every September, when my daughter was a Girl Guide, they'd give us boxes and boxes of cookies to sell. I would ask Wrinkly Owl or Bitchy Bear or whatever the heck my daughter's leader called herself, "We don’t want to sell cookies. Can’t I just give you the cash and you keep the cookies?"And every year the answer was the same, "No. You and your daughter must sell the cookies then bring us the money."
Well, there was no way I was going to be flogging cookies off on my neighbours and friends. I just gave up, dragged a wagon load full of cookies home and threw them in the freezer. Two weeks later I’d send a cheque in with my daughter. If they asked her how the selling went, she would just say her mom sold every last one at her Stitch ‘n Bitch.
If only we had one person who could be in charge of it all and in her benevolence, decide where the money should go. Someone Oprah, like you.
You've already got tons and tons of experience at giving things away. Why, when you gave all those girls cell phones, I said to myself, "Now here's a woman who really knows how to spend money."
You don't have to answer yet, just give it some thought. And while you're mulling things over, in the spirit of giving, I've included a box of cookies for you to enjoy.
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